~John Greenleaf Whittier

Said, “When things go wrong as they sometimes will, When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, rest if you must, but don’t you quit. Life is strange with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns. And many a failure comes about, When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—You may succeed with another blow. Success is failure turned inside out—The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell just how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far; So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.”

Continue Living

I don’t know if there’s relief for the pain that your feeling right now but if there is I don’t want to know it. You’ll hold on to your pain and continue living. You’ll still get hungry, go to sleep and continue living. We are strange beings. Like how a forest of trees burns to the ground with only one spark of fire and how that forest can become green again with just one little seed. We keep holding onto our pain just like those trees rose from the ashes. Sometimes we go through so much pain that we say “Okay that’s it. I’m done. I’ve had enough. I’m sorry but I just can’t take it anymore.” Then someone shows up and as a consolation they’ll say “Don’t worry this too shall pass, trust me.” There are some things that just don’t go away with time. A poet once said “Life came in between” something like that. We keep on living, somehow living in pain is the only kind of living there is. It’s time that makes us really kind of use to that life. We live with the struggles along with the pain.

St. Therese

Said, “May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on that love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.”

Unknown

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the Sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

Poet Dante Alighieri’s

Put it, “In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself, in a dark wood, where the direct way was lost. It is a hard thing to speak of, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood was, so that thinking of it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death: but, in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there.”

Struggling with Faith

I struggle with my faith. I struggle in believing that God would put this many obstacles and traumatic experiences in one person’s life. I question what is my life supposed to be about? Is nothing supposed to go my way? Am I supposed to be at target my whole life? Broken, embarrassed, humiliated, hurt, uncomfortably awkward, left out, depressed, isolated just lonely as shit because if I was well he fucking nailed it.

We are taught that if we give our life to God we will live a life more meaningful. A life of purpose. That everyday that we choose to keep believing in Him, we will become closer to love and hope. That we must remain strong in Him. That God hears our every prayer and has an answer for our every struggle. That His grace is sufficient for our every needs. That the trials we face are only temporary. That as we press on in Jesus, our faith will only get stronger. So we need to keep seeking Him and keep trusting Him.

It’s hard for me to understand why God would put somebody on this earth just to suffer. Why would He have someone overcome a traumatic life altering experience and the struggles they faced because of that traumatic life altering experience only to be faced with the same traumatic experience but ten times worse years later. After they found love, started a family and finally were able to smile and occasionally laugh once again. Why would He do all that? All that hurt, sadness, madness and misery is just hard for me to believe that God would want that for someone.

What is His lesson? What am I supposed to learn from all this pain and suffering? What are His answers to all these struggles? How can I remain strong in Him and keep trusting in Him when I feel abandoned by Him? How come He didn’t hear my prayers? How do I continue to press on in believing in Him when I find myself questioning Him?

Revenge

I have always thought that if we ever had a chance to sit down and talk face-to-face that we just might understand each other and why one of us made the choices we made.
I was too ashamed to come forward. “Rape is a very humiliating and dehumanizing act”. Why do victims often blame themselves? Shame and embarrassment has a lot to do with self-blame. Because in our culture, we tend to blame victims in general.
There is no correct response to sexual assault. A trauma as brutal as the one I endured caused me to become numb to everything and appear calm and flat as well as distraught and overly angry. Hiding those feelings was something I thought at the time I had to do in fear of you noticing and then asking me questions that I didn’t know how to answer. I had to hide my feelings. I couldn’t be asked any questions I did not and could not explain or express the ordeal I had endured the night before. I just wanted to hide from it and pretend it never happened.
Later, I reacted by medicating myself with antidepressants and benzodiazepine. Medications my psychiatrist gave me for anxiety and depression. They only made me more numb to everything and allowed me not to confront what I was feeling. I slowly started withdrawing from those closet to me.
People tend to compare a victim’s actions with what they think they themselves would have done in a similar situation. And you, Jim, did exactly that. You couldn’t understand why I didn’t come forward, how I lied about what and where it happened and why I hide it.
I hide it because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I was full of self-hatred that I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I didn’t know how to tell you the truth. I was afraid you would look at me differently. I was scared of losing you that you would no longer love me because those men violated me and I belonged to you and you only. I was afraid because it happened to me once before when I was 15 and now here I was 34 and it happened again.
What those four men did to me what’s so horrific and brutal that speaking the truth was too painful. I was too embarrassed and didn’t want you to know everything that they did to me. I truly thought if you knew what they had done to me that you wouldn’t want me anymore. So avoiding the truth is what I did. I hid from it. Honestly avoiding the truth and not telling you was the worst possible thing I could have done because it tore me up inside and completely took away the last year and a half of my life. I fell into a dark hole of depression, I couldn’t enjoy being a new mother, I took the joy away from you as a new father, I made your life miserable because I was so miserable and because of that we drifted apart. We used to be very close we used to talk to each other I could tell you anything and everything I love being around you and after the brutal rape everything changed. not only did it change me but it completely changed my life forever. And for all of that I am so sorry. I apologize for everything for all the pain and misery I caused for all the unhappiness I brought into your life. I am sorry I didn’t speak the truth and tell you what really happened and what I was doing with the police.
I should have come to you and talked to you about it before making the decision on my own. I know that you always have my best interest at heart and that you have always taken such great care of me. I know I can be stubborn at times I know that I think I’m right most of the time but when I can’t see the overall picture I know that you can and you always have my back.
I realized that in order to get my life back I had to try to regain control. I had the power to do something even if what I had to do caused me to make some mistakes along the way. But in order to get my life back it is what I had to do.
I know it was wrong to not tell you that I had started working with the Narcotics detectives and FBI. By the time I had contacted them you and I had drifted so far apart we weren’t communicating anymore. I knew you would be against me working with them and that you wouldn’t understand that it was something I had to do in order to get my life back.
After the rape my initial response, had rendered me involuntarily immobile, and I became paralyzed and limp as a result of protecting myself. I was worried that I’d face scrutiny of my actions. Scrutiny for the failure to resist, and of every decision I made before, during and after the home invasion/brutal rape.
Crazy thing is, Jim, no matter how much I tried to hide from what happened I ended up having to face scrutiny. You made me feel as though I failed due to my failure to resist you made me face scrutiny for every decision I made before, during and after the home invasion/rape. And that is exactly what I was trying to avoid. By keeping it to myself I could pretend it never happened. By pretending it never happened I thought I could eventually make myself believe that it never happened and I wouldn’t have had to face all the scrutiny and questions from you and my family. I wouldn’t of had to relive what happened to me that horrible nightmare of a night that changed me and my life forever.
By not speaking my truth or coming forward those men were free walking around living while I was trapped in isolation and depression dealing with severe anxiety, shame, self hate and loneliness. I had let them win and take everything I treasured and loved.
I finally woke up one day and new I had to do something to put them away. It’s crazy how our justice system works. You can rape someone and get barely anytime but a drug dealer can go away for 10+ years. It seems backwards. They took everything from me so now I wanted revenge.
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into by working with the detectives and FBI but I knew it was what I had to do if I wanted to get justice and finally be able to put it behind me and start living again.
I stand behind my decision of working with the detectives and FBI because justice has been served. All four of them are now serving 13 years in the NC federal penitentiary. I am finally free of this and able to meet my eyes in the mirror. I am alive. I am finally able to start living once again.

Apology Letter

I write this because I want to tell you how so very sorry I am for all that I have done. I have hurt you to the point where the pain was too great for you to withstand.
First of all, I want to apologize for my behavior and how it affected you, for my blunt words, reactions, mistakes and bad choices I made. I know, I acted hysterically and I realize how inappropriate all of it was. Clearly I lost it, although at the time I could not see everything that was tearing us and me apart inside. I took it all out on you and that was terribly wrong of me.
I will never forgive myself for the hurt, betrayal, the destruction I caused you, your heart and the demise of our marriage. The pain I still feel is good, because I feel I deserve it for my selfish and inexcusable actions. You NEVER EVER deserved what I did. You are truly the best thing that ever happened to me.
I realize now but at the time I couldn’t see that I let what happened to me win and depression take over my life and I wasn’t the partner I vowed to be to you.
I was at a point where I didn’t even recognize myself anymore, it scared me. I finally realized I had thrown myself into an impossible dark depression that I couldn’t get out of and I brought you down with me. I have exhausted you with my shouts and my tears and today I understand why you couldn’t take it anymore.
I need you to know that it’s crystal clear to me now, that I understand why you felt and thought those things the way you did about me. I apologize once more for not talking to you about all of it and for having been so lost and such a bitch to you.
Ever since you walked out of my life you have never left my thoughts. I cannot unsay the words I spoke. I cannot undo the mistakes and choices I made. I cannot go back in time but what I can do is tell you how truly sorry I am.
I wish I could make what happened go away. But that’s impossible, I’m sorry for having hurt you the way I did.
I made you suffer, I didn’t listen, I’ve been so crappy time after time to you. I can only say two things: I am sorry and I LOVE YOU.
I miss you so much! I am heartbroken without you!
The only thing I want in the world is to have your forgiveness. I want to show you that I have changed for the better.
I am sorry for everything I have done. I know forgiveness is not easy. Regaining your trust will be the hardest thing I ever do. I never ever meant to hurt you. It’s the last thing I would ever want to do. If you don’t believe anything else, please know ththat
I have exhausted you with my shouts and my tears, and today I understand why you couldn’t take it anymore.
Hurting someone you love and knowing that you are that person who caused them pain is more than one can bare. You are my best friend, my husband, my love and the light of my life.
I never realized the implications of my behavior, mistakes, wrong choices and words and the effect they would have on you. I never viewed the lies I told as lying. Instead, I thought of them as exaggerations, saying things to prevent hurting you, making you upset or worse making you want to leave me. The abuse and disrespect in lying I showed was wrong and hurtful.
I know now that I’ve been doing this all my life and it’s time for me to take responsibility for my actions. It’s time for me to grow up. It’s time for me to honor you, my husband, my life, my family, friends and the lives of everyone around me. This has been a life-changing moment that changed my life forever. That has changed me for the better.
It painfully crushed me to hurt you. The honesty of it all shocked me. Each moment it took my breath away and all of my words and actions towards you became clear to me just how much I hurt you when I would look into your eyes. I have no excuses, only shame for hurting you.
So here I stand in front of you asking for your forgiveness one last time and promising you that the lies and hurtful behavior is over. I hope that one day you’ll continue to have faith in me and let me prove myself to you.
I also want you to know how sorry I am for what happened between the two of us. I truly regret all of it and will regret it until the day I die.
You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me for turning your world upside down.
I want to sincerely apologize for making you feel angry, confused, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, sad, and not feeling free to be who you are. You are the light of my life, my best friend, my entire world revolves around you. I was a fool to let it go, by not being there for you, helping you, loving you endlessly, caring for you and our beautiful daughter, being more supportive of you to make your life less stressful and happy.
I pushed you away to the point that you had to leave. I’m so sorry for not seeing everything that was happening. I’m sorry for not fighting for us. I am so stupid for letting you go. I will never forgive myself for that and I’ll regret that every day for the rest of my life
You were my first love, and no matter how much I try, I still have feelings for you and I always will love you. I didn’t know what love was till I met you. But I also didn’t know how to be in a proper relationship. I lied to you, I disrespected you, I didn’t support you, and I wasn’t there for you in your times of need. I regret ever hurting you and ruining what we had because what we had was so beautiful and amazing.
You are an amazing man, husband, partner, companion, lover, friend and most importantly father. I was a fool to lose sight of all that.
We have had our ups and downs along our way but this one ended badly between us because we drifted apart. We stopped all communication. I wish I could take it all back.
Your forgiveness is something I pray for daily. Although, I may never get it, I’ll continue to pray and feel the burden of not having it. I apologize to you for not realizing all the love you offered me.
Seeing things through a different lens now is extremely painful for me. Therapy works. In my case it’s good and bad because when the light comes on and it’s too late that’s a very sad realization.
I met you 13 years ago, and since then so much has changed. When we first started talking, I did not realize how important you would soon become to me. You came into my life with a confidence like no other, making me absolutely fall head over heels for you. Little did I know in that moment that you would be the guy I’ve been asking for my whole life. From that day forward, I fell for you hard. I found myself wanting to spend all of my time with you sharing my life’s secrets with you. I would make sure that I was free every day you had off. I knew I loved you and you were worth all the love I had to give. I enjoyed your company and just being with you even if we weren’t having a conversation. When I am with you, I feel like I am on top of the world.
When I think of you and me, I feel safe. You make me feel secure and comfortable around you and others and I know I can trust you with my life. The thought of being in your arms fills my body with a sense of security and reassures me that I am safe. I feel invincible because you are by my side.
Through all of my ups and downs, you stayed with me although you were hurting more than me at times. Everything about you makes me happy and I smile whenever I think about you. Your personality, your sense of humor, your character, the reassurance you never failed to give me, the endless compliments from you, the way you make me laugh until my stomach an mouth hurt, how great you are with our daughter, your sweet words, the way you love so deeply, your patience for me, the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you’re passionate about like soccer. How caring and compassionate you are, and most importantly, how you understand me even without me having to say anything. You have always made me feel like a priority and always make time for me.
I cannot begin to describe how sorry I am for the pain I’ve caused you these past years. You have been nothing but good to me and I kept on hurting you. You gave your all to me since the day I met you, and after what happened to me I wasn’t able to reciprocate that these past two years.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have made a few mistakes on this journey with you and I wish I could go back in time and make it all right. I hope one day, you find it in your heart to forgive me and you will let me try to fix the mess I have made.
I take responsibility for every ounce of my actions, including every time I apologized and promised something and then ended up doing the opposite.
You have been my rock, my love, my heart and soul mate. Unfortunately our journey has come to a divide. I want to kill those men that did that to me that caused me to fall and cause all this. Hurting you was the last thing I thought I could ever do and I never meant to do that.
I was a coward who hid. I lacked the confidence and was vulnerable in the inability to communicate with you. I should have been more open with you telling you the truth about that horrible night that changed my life forever. More than anything I want to go back in time to be vulnerable and to be embraced in your loving arms as I cry while trying to communicate that horrific night.
I have betrayed you and lied to you, no matter how big or small, a lie is a lie. I have caused you physical pain as well as so much emotional pain that no man should endure. You have been there for me through every tough obstacle, every happy moment, every sad day, building my spirits, building my confidence and all I did was let you down.
Never once was I unfaithful to you, I can’t even imagine my life without you let alone another man. You and Liv are what keep me going every day, you’re all I think about.
I don’t want to lose you, and I want our journey to keep going. I am sorry for everything I have done. I know forgiveness is not easy. Regaining your trust will be the hardest thing I ever do. I am willing to do whatever it takes. We have been through so much and I shut myself down and didn’t deliver on the promises that I made to you. I will no longer make excuses for the things I have done. I will accept your feelings and take them to heart.
You have made me a better woman. You have shown me how to care and to truly love someone. You have given me a family and that is by far the greatest gift I could ever receive. That is the only gift in life I’ve ever wanted. I never meant to take any of it for granted.
I am going to fight for you. I will never stop fighting for you. Fighting for us. Fighting for our beautiful family. I don’t want to give up but everyday that passes I feel like you are drifting away. I hate that you look at me like you hate me but at the same time I hate that you look at me like you just might still love me. I need you way more than I ever thought I would ever need anyone. You push me, you make me do things that I thought I could never do or lacked the courage to do, you support me in my goals and dreams and you have always wanted what’s best for me.
I miss you and I miss what we had so much. It hurts me to know that I hurt you. My mind constantly thinks about you and how much I hurt and miss you. How much I want you to come back home. How every moment without you hurts more and more everyday as time passes.
Please understand I was not myself and was going through something I didn’t have the tools to cope with or know how to handle. I’ll never forgive myself for shutting you out. I hate myself for thinking that I had to hide this from you. My biggest regret is not coming forward right when it happened and telling you. I know I can come to you with anything. Although at the time I didn’t feel that I could.
You are my safe place. You keep me safe. When I’m in your arms, in your embrace, there’s no safer place than that. And I want that so bad.
I am so sorry Jim for everything. For all the hurt, sadness, anger, disappointment, disrespect, carelessness, dishonesty, and heartbreak I caused.
Open your beautiful heart and let forgiveness in. Open your heart and allow yourself to live in the now not in the past anymore. Open your heart and begin to let yourself love me like you once did.
I LOVE YOU JIM.

Beginning of a New Day

I came across this quote while browsing through a magazine as I was in the waiting room of my psychiatrist office and every morning when I read it I try to do just that.

“This is the beginning of a new day.
You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever. And in it’s place is something that you have left behind. Let it be something good”. -UNKNOWN

Life’s Teacher

This past Thanksgiving I found one of my best teachers on the boardwalk in Beaufort, North Carolina. I sat on the edge of the wooden supports next to him as we dangled our feet over the side, and he told me about his schedule, panhandling the boulevard when the summer crowds were gone, sleeping in churches when the temperatures dropped below 30 degrees, hiding from police, the stares he would get from others, picking through restaurant trash cans for dinner. But he told me that most of the time he stayed on the boardwalk, facing the water, just the way we were sitting then, even when it got cold and he had to wear his newspapers after he read them. And I asked him why. Why didn’t he go to one of the shelters? Why didn’t he check himself into the hospital for detox?

And he stared out at the ocean and said, “Look at the view young lady. Look at the view.”

And everyday, in some little way, I try to do what he said. I try to look at the view. That’s all. Words of wisdom from a man with not a dime in his pocket, no place to go and nowhere to be. Look at the view. When I do what he said, I’m never disappointed.

My Darling Liv

Darling,
Here’s a short list of everything in the world I want for you-
First off you’ll need a brave heart and a whole lot of love. Big love. So much of it that you can’t contain it all so you can give it away for free. I wish you blessings to many to count and sunbeams and Moonbeams and daydreams and sweet dreams. You’ll need new beginnings & love stories to tell. A light inside you no one can turn off. Eyes full of wonder and a little spark of Madness. And gorgeous sleep. Lovely thoughts pouring out of your head and a little fire in your belly. A sparkle in your eye, a pep in your step, and a curious mind to top it off. And you must remember to keep that beautiful imagination and Swizz it humor always. You’ll need a few guardian angels in a soft place to fall. I hope you’ll have Simple Pleasures, extraordinary possibilities, and a few Miracles along the way and that there’ll be astonishing Beauty on your journey. I pray that you will fall in love with the mountains and oceans and rivers and trees and all creatures great and small because once you fall in love with them you will want to protect them. And I hope you become everything you truly are. May you be surrounded by peacemakers, Dream Makers, builders, Healers and lovely people who will lift you up. Stay faithful to your purpose an forever beholden to your dreams. Be a Pioneer in this world and chart your course to search for the good and the Beautiful, always facing your true north. Say thank you a lot and keep happy. Keep so busy loving life that you have no time for nonsense. Please trust that life is always on your side happening for you not to you. Just keep looking for the blessings in everything. Remember you are always a student of life so pay close attention. You only get so many trips around the Sun, so use your time wisely. Be true and kind. That’s all you’ll ever need to be. I wish you the courage to be a messenger of love in this beautiful, crazy, Magical World. And I hope every minute you know you are crazy wonderful and loved endlessly beyond measure. May love and light guide your way.

Love you always and forever

Dear Depression

Dear Depression, I Hate You. I wouldn’t have lost my best friend, the one true love of my life, my husband if it wasn’t for you.

Dear Depression, In short, you caused me to fall. I was faced with having to make certain choices and because I was unable to see with crystal clarity I made some wrong choices. I blame you for the choices I made. You are and always will be my very worst enemy…. I’m letting you go. You no longer own me.

Dear Depression, Instead of finding a million ways on how to avoid all the things you took from me. I am letting go of you. You took over my life. You took my strength and power away. I listened to you and hid from the difficulties I was faced with instead of fighting and dealing to overcome them in the correct manner. You caused me to shut myself out from the people I cared and loved most in my life. I isolated myself from the outside world and lost interest in all things I once loved to do and that’s because of you.

Dear Depression, I didn’t ask or want you in my life. You used me. You used me in ways nothing else in my life ever had or has…You hijacked my brain and lied to me in my voice. I lost my husband, I lost the ability to keep my family together and raise my daughter with my husband. Not only did you take that from me but you took that from him and my daughter and for that I hate you.

Dear Depression, You told me I was a loser and I might be better off killing myself. Crazy thing is you made me believe I was a loser and that I didn’t deserve to live. Well not anymore.

Dear Depression, I have so much hatred towards you that there is no room for forgiveness.

Dear Depression, Reality sucks. At least it does when you’re in a dark hole. However, in order to feed your ability to overcome and recover the things you buried that caused your depression you have to put in the effort to raise your moral standards and do things you said while you were in darkness, you’d never do.

Dear Depression, No one will ever know Just how much you truly took from me. I will never get back the last year-and-a-half of my life and I will always hate you until the day I die. I allowed you to win. You destroyed one of the greatest moments, months and years in life a women gets to experience. Because of you I lost out on some of the most memorable moments of my life. I should have been enjoying motherhood, raising my daughter side by side with my husband showering him with love, appreciation and support while making memories with my family. Instead you kept me isolated and alone, you kept me from being able to get out of bed in the morning, you kept me from growing closer with my husband while sharing our experience as new parents together.

Dear Depression, You made my life so dark causing me to not understand what was happening that I didn’t know how to talk to him or anyone. You caused me to hurt the one person I love most in this life. Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe the pain I caused him. Pain isn’t even the word to describe the misery I must of cost him. He is the most amazing man I know and such a wonderful father that he’s the last person on Earth who deserved to be put through such hell. All I’ve ever wanted was to share my life with my partner and raise our daughter together, while growing old together and experiencing the beauty life has to offer. And just living a simple life with my husband. But because of you I don’t get to experience any of that. It’s the simple things in a marriage that matter it’s not about gifts or money or luxury items it’s about love, listening to each other, building a life of happiness and being so deeply madly in love that you can’t even go a day without seeing your partner. That’s exactly how I felt about him I still do. He was and always will be my whole world that will never change. Everything life has to offer is so much better with him in it. He is the most honest, faithful, respectful trustworthy, loving man I’ve ever met. And in this world today that’s very rare to come by. You caused me to fall and because of you I lost the only person I can honestly and truly say I’ve ever loved. And for that I hate you.

Dear Depression, I believe life is meant to be shared I truly believe that when you find that one true love your life will become more fulfilled love always adds it never subtracts. The miracle is that sharing life actually makes life bigger. With love, we double our joys, divide our worries and multiply our possibilities for a life of meaning romance and adventure. it’s like that saying it’s not what we have in our life, but who we have in our life that counts. In the Bible it says if you have found love, you have been given life’s greatest gift. And I found love I had one of life’s greatest gifts and you took that from me. You filled my head with…. And I believed you. I’ve let you control my life for far too long. You no longer have control over me and you never will. I’ve always been a fighter so I don’t know how I let you control me. If you ever try to come back I will fight you to the deaths and you’ll loose.

Dear Depression, I’m not afraid of you anymore, and I still may not think right at times when I’m faced at a crossroad in life but I know not to listen to you and bury my pain. I know to talk to those who I care most about and who care about me.

Dear Depression, Have I mentioned I hate you. You caused me to hurt the people I hold dear to my heart. You nearly killed me. I despise the insidious, horrible trap that you are. You promise nothing but loneliness, emptiness and hopelessness and you deliver hell. I hate that I still think about you sometimes.

Dear Depression, I once was scared of the power you had over me but NOT ANYMORE. You’re the loser.

Dear Depression, I can do this. I can keep you out of my life forever. The trick is to build a life I don’t need to escape from. You may have taken a lot from me but now that you’re gone I have gained my confidence, courage, and strength back. Most importantly I’ve taken back my voice from you. Now that you’re gone you’ve eased my anxiety and got me out of bed in the morning. If I’m to succeed in keeping you out of my life, I must stay on this healthy path in order to cope with some of the difficulties that life throws at us, testing us. Therapy is a powerful tool. You once made me believe it was for fools. It helps me recognize self-defeating thoughts and unhealthy behavior patterns like isolating. If I want to live a life of happiness, I must step out of my comfort zone and connect with others by sharing my thoughts and feelings. When I get honest, my anxiety lessens and that gives me hope.

Dear Depression, I’ve found that the hardest part of getting over you is caring enough about myself to put in the effort. Effort equals results. The people who get well, have to really work hard at it and be willing to put in any and all the effort it takes. Most people want instant results. Often even the ones around the people trying to recover from it want instant results. All in all who the hell wouldn’t. But there are none. What there is, are significant little milestones along the way. One day at a time. All it takes is just taking that first step. Sometimes that first step can be the hardest step but once you take it all the other steps just become natural. Each day that you get out of bed with a positive outlook towards life and tell the ones you love you love them, that is VICTORY.

Dear Depression, I’ve noticed that now that your gone suddenly hope replaces despair, and energy replaces apathy while sunlight replaces darkness and happiness replaces sadness. I look at myself differently. I can meet my eyes in the mirror.

Dear Depression, One day it hit me. I’m alive again, and I feel everything. There’s no better high than living life at my your personal best. Living a life of honesty respectfulness, happiness, trustworthiness and love is everything. It tells a lot about a person. My character means everything to me and you made me think that it didn’t but I always stayed true to myself and I never let you win on that.

Dear Depression, All that you took from me and made be believe in everything you said, I found in my own self recovery.

Dear Depression, I’m saying goodbye. I’m told not to think about you ever. People say I will find ways to have fun once again, now that your gone. When you call my name, DON’T EXPECT ME TO ANSWER. I will always remember why I wanted to get rid of you.

Dear Depression, I did the one thing you hate…
I reached out for help, I used my voice that you took and I finally climbed out of the dark hole you held me in and this is goodbye forever I’ve officially written you out of my life.
P.S
Did I forget to tell you I hate you

ABSENCE OF FEAR

Recently I was asked the question “What do you want for yourself?” I don’t think I’ve been asked that for quite some time. I want what everyone wants. Love. Crazy mad love. True love. But mostly I just want the absence of fear. Because every time I start spinning out of control, it comes from fear. So much of what I’ve experienced and have experienced is fear-fear of the unknown- fear of it happening again and it’s debilitating.